I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
It's never too late to be topless.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
