if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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