Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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