My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
