im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
as a side note pls kill me
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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