I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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