this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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