Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
