I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
