New invention idea: vibrating tampons
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
