Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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