party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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