If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
