remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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