Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
