Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
