i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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