I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
