you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
