I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
