dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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