It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
