i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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