Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
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