My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
