Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
