I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
