That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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