happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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