I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
