Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
