i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
