Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
