i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize