He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The best revenge is premature balding
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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