And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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