you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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