I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
