pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
