Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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