you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
