i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
