Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
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