he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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