He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
