i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
