the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
