you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
