While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
