Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
why do cheetos always look like penises
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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