Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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