I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
