tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
