In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
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Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
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he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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