The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
