my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
