the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
