take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
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I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
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Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen