I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
