I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
21 Of The Most Regrettable Tattoo Ideas Ever
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?