Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
This baby is an asshole
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
So much rum. So many feels.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.