just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
