I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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