I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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