when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
