So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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