did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
